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Dating Design Patterns 255

prostoalex writes "How many times, when playing Dungeons and Dragons by yourself, or reading an RFC in the bed alone on a Friday night, have you thought 'Boy, I sure wish there was an easier way to pick up women, like published API with code samples?' What would you say if such documentation was not only available, but succinctly put into 22 design patterns and given formal descriptions just like the ones in your UML book? Dating Design Patterns, with a cover suspiciously similar to Design Patterns by the Gang of Four, is the first attempt to bring verified solutions to common problems in the world of dating." Timothy's review follows prostoalex's, below.
Dating Design Patterns
author Solveig Haugland
pages 150
publisher Solveig Haugland
rating 9/10
reviewer Alex Moskalyuk
ISBN 0974312002
summary Elements of reusable objective-oriented paired programming

Why design patterns are needed

Many will attest that the API to the WOMEN platform is somewhat obscure, contradictory and poorly documented. However, if you talk to any randomly selected groups of men, you will discover that the problems they face (whether in Pickup or Relationship states) are fundamentally the same. If there's a common set of problems, shouldn't there be a common set of solutions? Moreover, doesn't it bother you that programming geeks, who advocate code reusability and open-sourcing have not come up with reusable successful solutions for commonly occurring problems and have not documented them?

This book is the attempt to change that and unite all design patterns in a single documentation project. You can read the conversation that led to writing DDP (caution: those of you in love with Design Patterns' concept might have a hard time reading how it was all a hoax by the Gang of Four). Hopefully you will understand the danger of letting this knowledge out (hint: geeks who talk to attractive girls, date and get laid spend less time writing code, which could jeopardize some projects) and not recommend the book to everyone you know. The table of contents is available online as well (in PDF format), and you can see that the book is subdivided into two large sections - introduction and pattern catalog.

Introduction to dating design patterns

In the first part, the authors introduce the concepts of design patterns with several superfluous definitions in an attempt to outdo the academic titles types on Design Patterns in number of formal references and quoted italic text. They also provide the set of anti-patterns, which can be collected by surveying poor implementations of dating patterns. For example, the Iterator anti-pattern is described as "The nag. One of the most taxing on system resources. Also an anti-pattern when used to repeatedly ask the same woman for a date." Many developers fall into fallacy of thinking anti-pattern would do the job when a pattern does not work.

The chapter on refactoring talks about all the issues that must be taken care of before implementing any of the patterns. Each refactoring unit includes sub-sections on Motivation, Mechanics and Example. The motivation part explains how this refactoring unit can help publish an attractive public interface for FEMALE platform. The mechanics part usually includes a bulleted list of what needs to be done for the implementation. The example brings us into more practical world, where we can visualize how the refactoring units "Get a makeover", "Display yourself in a new context through third parties", "Publish a more restricted interface" and "Fake a phone call from an ex-girlfriend" can help interested geek attract female companions.

Pattern Catalog

The second part is nothing more but a collection of 22 existing dating patterns. This part of the book will be even more familiar to those who read the original Design Patterns, as the headings, bulleted lists, sidebar notes and sub-chapter titles are all there. Each pattern is presented in the following format:

  1. Pattern name
  2. Problem statement (the authors acknowledge that for most of developers the problems reside in attempting to implement getLaid method successfully on FEMALE platform)
  3. Forces (why this pattern might lead to successful implementation)
  4. Solution (overview of what's required for successful implementation)
  5. Strategies (step-by-step guide with copious notes)
  6. Benefits and Drawbacks (analysis of when this design pattern makes sense and when it's not appropriate)
  7. Related patterns

Anyone who's ever been through UML or Design Patterns class will not have a problem with reading the pattern catalog. The pseudocode sometimes used to describe the pattern is somewhat close to Java and uses Camel notation for method calls, state and interface definitions. Luckily the book is void of any humor that design pattern writers usually try to sneak in, and is just plain formal scientific boring writing with SAT-level vocabulary that we all grew to love while reading the Gang of Four series.

The problem statements use clear language, allowing the reader to figure out whether he has the same problem (and thus should read the pattern to find out the solution) or move on to the next pattern. For example, the Jini Singles Bar pattern describes the following problem:

You're a great catch, of course, and you're looking for someone smart, funny, beautiful, who can talk about rock-climbing, Slashdot, politics and 19th century Serbo-Croatian playrights. It would also be nice if she were 24, between 5'6'' and 5'8'', of French extraction, interested in the songs of Owen Margolis, with dark long brown hair. However, you have not yet found this woman.


The point that authors try to emphasize is that Dating Design Patterns is a collection of researched, verified, formalized and proven to work patterns. Of course, there are numerous pages of already available documentation with questionable applicability, as well as HOWTO's from open-source luminaries, but they provide neither the variety of patterns that this book has, nor the exact step-by-step implementations.

As common with design patterns, there are areas where they work perfectly and there are cases, where they are not applicable at all. The collection (full list of patterns with appropriate poster is available from the official Web site) just provides the list of accepted solutions to common problems. Perhaps reading through all 22 patterns is an onerous task and should be left to those in academic world. However, the authors assure that the benefits of successful implementation outweigh the amount of resources that need to be dedicated. Now, if you'll excuse me, that girl from Barnes and Noble with very nice public properties is getting out of the shower and her private members are even more interesting.

Tim's review:

Don't buy this book. None of the ideas in it work. Absolute garbage. Haugland's "advice" will not result in flocks of appropriate-sex singles following you out of every coffee bar, bookstore or tango lesson you happen to visit. Repeat: do not buy this book.

You can search for Dating Design Patterns from, or better yet, straight from the author. Slashdot welcomes readers' book reviews -- to see your own review here, read the book review guidelines, then visit the submission page.

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Dating Design Patterns

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  • by mandalayx ( 674042 ) * on Thursday April 01, 2004 @04:41PM (#8741453) Journal
    Does anyone else find it interesting that this guy [] is the one giving the sex tips [] referenced in the article?

    I mean, I was told not to judge a book by its cover but..

    on a serious note, I am dating someone and she likes my geeky side. I forward her slashdot posts every week or's pretty cool. yesterday we sat down and read some wikipedia together.
    • by AresTheImpaler ( 570208 ) on Thursday April 01, 2004 @04:44PM (#8741498)
      I am dating someone and she likes my geeky side.

      dude! run away, she's really a guy!

      • by destine ( 109885 ) on Thursday April 01, 2004 @07:18PM (#8742781)
        You know, I happen to be a transsexual woman and a geek. Most transsexual women do everything they can to avoid male stereotypes. Though a large amount of us do work in the computer industry, by and large the bulk of us do not. And we are SUCH a minority that it is incredibly unlikely to begin with. Only about 1 in 10 us will ever pass on that kind of level, even to amazingly needy geek guys with little contact with women. And for the record, pre surgery, the large portion of us aren't into guys, geek or otherwise. ^_^ Post surgery that often changes though it hasn't for me.

        On the other hand, many of the geek women I know are pretty incredible women. They've worked past the stereotypes and done something with their lives. They are confident and powerful and quite often beautiful women. =) Be kind to your geek girls boys, they deserve good lives and good boyfriends.
        • ya. finding them is the hard part though isn't it? I need a nerd chiq really badly, but I have no idea where to meet them. Probably on a college campus...?
          • by destine ( 109885 ) on Friday April 02, 2004 @02:29AM (#8744865)
            Most of my geek girlfriends are trying to find guys through normal means. One is using a dating service another go's to clubs. You know, you never know if a woman is smart until you come up to them and say hi and ask them to chat. Honest interest in them goes a long way. =) There's an old lesbian saying, "We are 10,000,000 women waiting for someone else to ask us to dance." Woman, by habit, tend to be passive. Your assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to find women and say hello, give them a sincere compliment and do it confidently but not arrogantly.

            And for God-sake, put on a button up shirt and some nice fitting slacks that show off your butt good. If you can dress decently, that's half the battle. Even a fat guy can look well put together in a nice pair of slacks, a blue button up shirt, and a nice white(and not dingy white) t-shirt. And shoes make a difference. Smart women most likely are looking for men who can hold their own and have confidence. They likely won't be as impressed by how much you make. Something I had to learn when I transitioned to female was how to act as if I have confidence even when I don't. It's a good skill and keeps me from being a target for all kinds of bad stuff.

            If you get turned down, that's life. Remember learning to ride a bike, your first c programs, learning to make NFS secure? It usually doesn't work the first time. =) But you have to keep trying and adapting and learning.

            I know many geek guys have spent a life in torture by jocks and idiots. But it's your turn to shine. Also, if something just doesn't work out, try to save the friendship. She likely knows a ton about you and can help you with everything if you can resist the urge to throw everything of hers away. Friendships with chicks is VERY cool. It will teach you how to talk with a woman, which is a good skill to have. We're not all into little crystal ornaments and makeup/clothes. Though beauty standards for women are tons higher than they are for men and that's why they seem to be a bit more preoccupied with looks on average. It was a huge shock when I transitioned full time. I knew of it but I didn't realize it was that decisive. Anyway, have patience, listen, ask, and dress for success.
    • Say hi to Rosy for me!
    • by Sir Isaac Lime ( 762777 ) on Thursday April 01, 2004 @04:58PM (#8741643)
      A butt ugly guy who gets laid by secure and attractive women is the best possible source of dating advice. They've never been able to rely on natural good looks, so they were forced to understand the true nature of the game.

      The question is if this guy is truely, in fact, scoring with reasonable women.
      • interesting point. also I suppose he has some fame amongst geeks. if he's scoring with reasonable women because of his fame, then perhaps that would not apply either.

        also, wonder where he lives? I ask because one of my high school classmates used to do...well not so well on the game. but he went to study abroad and realized that girls found him very attractive. apparently he's hooked up quite a bit, which is a contrast to college in the states.
      • " A butt ugly guy who gets laid by secure and attractive women is the best possible source of dating advice. They've never been able to rely on natural good looks, so they were forced to understand the true nature of the game."

        Make that a butt ugly guy who doesn't have a lot of money or fame. Rich and famous guys can be butt ugly with no charm or skills, yet still get loads of hot women.
      • The question is if this guy is truely, in fact, scoring with reasonable women.

        Who cares about reasonable women? I'm still trying to find that book that Badger [] got in the mail: "How to Pick Up Trashy Women."

      • I asked one (not ugly, but that guy was able to get any woman quckly -- and without spending money too). He tried to answer, but could not. Finally he said "I don't know, somehow it works".
    • ESR has sex?!
    • No, I don't find it interesting, since Slashdot previously posted the ESR sex tips article some years ago on an April Fool's Day. And secondly ... hey wait ... what day is today?
    • You might wanna try having sex with her as an alternative to all this shared slashdotting and wikipedia. I didn't think women could be used for sex when I was younger but one night I accidently discovered this second use pattern when I tripped and fell on top of my girlfriend. Now I regularly find myself resisting time on slashdot to enage in this new, cool, and soon to be patented design pattern.
  • by Anonymous Coward on Thursday April 01, 2004 @04:41PM (#8741459)
    My father used to refer to "trolling" as going around to pick up women with your cock hanging out of your pants.

    Perhaps this book should have mentioned *that* code snippet.
  • by EmbeddedJanitor ( 597831 ) on Thursday April 01, 2004 @04:42PM (#8741470)
    What problem?
    • You know what's funny? Go to Spencer's and look at the blow-up doll boxes. What do they all say? "Do you and your partner need some more excitement in the bedroom? How about a third person!"

      Yeah, I'm suuuuure all those geeks buying blow-up dolls can't wait to bring it home to their "real" girlfriends.
  • Do you want slashdot to post ANY april fool stories next year?

    Yes / No / Only a digest of other AFs, a day later

    Mod me up, not because I need the Karma, but to send a message. Enough is enough!

    And if it's not annoying enough now, remember somebody may come across these stories in a few months. Public web content is forever (/robots.txt notwithstanding).

  • by musikit ( 716987 ) on Thursday April 01, 2004 @04:44PM (#8741500)
    doesn't screw up the main page into being all italics
  • by Mori Chu ( 737710 ) on Thursday April 01, 2004 @04:45PM (#8741503)
    Finally, the gender bias in computer literature will end. Why have we suffered for so long with only "man" pages?

    However, I do not think OOP is very well-suited to this sort of thing. It's bad to treat women as objects.

    Also, some girls are not into the whole "Gang of Four" idea... A lot of girls demand a Singleton pattern for any courtship situation.

    • > Finally, the gender bias in computer
      > literature will end. Why have we suffered
      > for so long with only "man" pages?

      We tried "chick pages," but the lawsuits we too cost prohibitive.
  • by Anonymous Coward on Thursday April 01, 2004 @04:45PM (#8741506)
    By AC.

    1) Find a moderatly pretty woman.
    2) Ask them how they are
    3) Ask them if they want coffee.
    4) If they say "no," start at step 1, if they say "yes," continue.
    5) on the way to coffee, say the following line. "Look, Coffee and conversation is great and all, but its a pre-cursor and we both know it. Ill get right to the point and save us both the hassle. I find you incredibly attractive, moreso then any other woman around here. (hell, they are all jealous, cant you tell?) Anyways, do you just want to go to a hotel or somethnig?
    6) Majority will either say "no," "fuckoff," or the equivalent thereof. A few will say "yes."
    7) if they say "yes," begin humping. if they say "no," start at step 1.

    Repeat 1000 times.
  • by Anonymous Coward
    > god
    Dating god mode on.
    > impulse 101
  • Editors (Score:2, Redundant)

    by bonch ( 38532 )
    You know, if you actually tried to make it look real, it would be more funny.

    Some of your section headings had correct capitalizations, others didn't. Almost as bad as michael's posts earlier today that were almost entirely in lowercase. Right off the bat you can tell it's a cheesy writeup.

    This "it's so stupid we have to post it" mentality doesn't make me laugh, it makes me roll my eyes!
    • Re:Editors (Score:2, Interesting)

      by cybermace5 ( 446439 )
      HAHA! Congratulations for falling totally into this April Fool's prank.

      See, the whole prank is a flood of retarded April Fool's submissions. That's the whole point. And it's working like crazy, judging by all the whiny comments about how "it's not funny!"
      • Yes, it's "whiny" to point out how bad a whole day's worth of lame stories is. I should just sit back and not voice an opinion except when it is pro-Slashdot.
  • by LostCluster ( 625375 ) * on Thursday April 01, 2004 @04:47PM (#8741517)
    Yep... the ISBN number of 0974312002 checks out... []
    Barnes & Noble [] (They recongize the number, but don't have it.) [] []
  • by Sideshow Coward ( 732864 ) on Thursday April 01, 2004 @04:47PM (#8741523)
    Singleton... definately the Singleton pattern.
    • Actually I'd dare say singleton is the pattern for 1-night-stand-slut.

      Slut.getInstance() is called quite often, but can only be called once at a time. No permanent references to the Slut object should be left around by the calling object :)
      • This is not a recommended pattern. Once an instance of Slut is created, the same instance is used for every call. Thus, *every* Geek object is going to be using the *same* instance of Slut, and you could end up... um... unprotected from any bugs that exist in the other Geeks. That is, unless you're real careful about shielding your code, and vigilant about unit testing.

        I would much rather use a Factory pattern.
    • I get around the problem by tightly coupling myself to a FEMALE. What I sacrifice in reusability I gain in stability.
  • Let me tell you that the IBM developerWorks Best Practices RedBook is definitely the publication you'll need.

    Design patterns are great for high level architecure but when you need to get down to the nitty-gritty low level stuff it's best if you have the counsel of the experts.
  • by happyfrogcow ( 708359 ) on Thursday April 01, 2004 @04:48PM (#8741532)
    ...the editors of Slashdot were seen beating a dead horse at a local Michigan farm.
  • 'Boy, I sure wish there was an easier way to pick up women, like published API with code samples?'

    Published API with code samples might be easy, but is it fun? A true geek will always go for utter randomness, complete unpredictability and total bafflement - how else will he be a geek?
  • by AndroidCat ( 229562 ) on Thursday April 01, 2004 @04:51PM (#8741568) Homepage
    And if released under the GPL, are they GNUd/Women?
    • there will pass a long time before you will see a GNU/woman..

      women are more like windows...
      1) you will NEVER see the source (and once you do you realize its only a part of the whole stuff)
      2) most women are NO community project
      3) even if they do come with a manual there wont be a single useful letter in there
      4) 'plug&play'
      5) (almost) everyone loves the great ui
      6) occasional crashes
      7) they need updates regularely (buy stuff)
      8) they also have a recent list (of your wrongdoings)
  • by Strange Ranger ( 454494 ) on Thursday April 01, 2004 @04:53PM (#8741588)
    How NOT to tell a joke:

    Step 1. Make it really really long.
    Step 2. Put the punchline in the beginning.

    • You said it. There's a great book on this, "Comedy Writing Secrets", which if you only take one thing away from it, make it this: put the twist in the last word if possible, or the last two words if not.

      That makes all the difference in humor. Try it.

      Some short examples: "This baby seal walked into a club."

      "Great minds think a lot."

      "So, do you live around here often?"

      I really enjoyed the book, and your step 2 is exactly what to avoid -- put the punchline as far at the end as possible; even better

  • The Japanese already have a concept similar to this. It's called "Dating Sims". And they're not even an April's fool, they DO exist!
  • by anactofgod ( 68756 ) on Thursday April 01, 2004 @05:00PM (#8741660)
    It was a complete waste of the time required to write it and the paper required to print it. 'Cause I *know* the problem doesn't reside with *me*.

    What's needed is a dating design pattern book for women about the GEEK platform. A book like that would detail the many benefits of GEEK, and also suggest where one would go to meet and mate with a GEEK.

    Once a book like that is written, opening the eyes of females everywhere, this "dating" issue will be resolved.

    Now, I have to get back to writing Linux device drivers for my TRS-80.


    BTW, I don't want any backlash from so-called "female geeks" on the limited scope of my suggested book. I *know* it's April's Fools, so don't try to convince me that you exist on this, of all, days.
  • It's not a joke unless amazon [] is in on it.
  • by ShatteredDream ( 636520 ) on Thursday April 01, 2004 @05:05PM (#8741701) Homepage
    1) Take care of your appearance, which means go to the gym and make sure that even if you have a gut, that it's at least obvious that you're someone who cares about your health and appearance. People are naturally wary of dating those who don't appear to take any pride in their appearance and health.

    2) Don't assume that having a vagina means having no brain. Just because most girls are breeding stock, doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of girls who aren't. Some of the ones that seem to be breeding stock may in fact have a lot of intelligence and you can bring it out of them. Been there, done that.

    3) Broaden your horizons. Get away from the computer and learn something that you find to be fun and that is accessible to girls who aren't computer geeks. I picked up bass and guitar for fun and found that a lot of college girls will at least give you a shot if you're good. Personally I don't care much, since my gf can beat me on guitar and hold her own on bass.

    4) Don't jump right into a relationship. If you have a chance to have a casual sexual relationship with a girl, that's helpful for when you're ready to settle down. Experience is something most guys really need.


    5) Look for someone who is your equal, but not in your area of expertise. You don't want to risk a game of one upmanship. I'm wary of dating girls in my major (C.S.) for that reason. My current girlfriend is a musician.
    • 1) Take care of your appearance, which means go to the gym and make sure that even if you have a gut, that it's at least obvious that you're someone who cares about your health and appearance. People are naturally wary of dating those who don't appear to take any pride in their appearance and health.

      2) Don't assume that having a vagina means having no brain. Just because most girls are breeding stock, doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of girls who aren't. Some of the ones that seem to be breeding sto

    • Take care of your appearance, which means go to the gym

      Complete rubbish. I've never been to a gym in my life, I make no attempt whatsoever to lead a healthy lifestyle, and empirical evidence seems to suggest I'm doing pretty well so far (it's been nearly 15 years since I was last single).

    • That's really good advice, but best of all IT WORKS. I'm a geek who couldn't get laid at college, but am now in my 30's and have had lasting relationships with some very good looking and intelligent women. I'm currently in a steady relationship with a very cute girl who's 13 years younger than me and has a degree in design.

      Sometimes not having a girlfriend can be despairing, but work on yourself and someone great might come into your life.
  • It will be very clear soon that the Dating Design Patterns will become "Antipatterns."

    The following algorithm would suffice in any situation:

    Step 1 - Shower
    Step 2 - Approach female
    Step 3 - Do not talk about computers/programming/design patters/Java/OO
    Step 4 - Say "Hi, what's your name?"
    Step 5 - If rejected GOTO Step 2, BUT first check if Step 1 happened between 24 hours. If this is the case, GOTO Step 1.

    Do not forget Step 1 - This is a must for females, I've heard...Follow this algorithm, and yo
  • How many times, when playing Dungeons and Dragons by yourself, or reading an RFC in the bed alone on a Friday night, have you thought 'Boy, I sure wish that slashdot would get over this April Fools nonsense. Or at least try a decent hoax and stop publishing these really poorly done "fake" news stories'
  • by dokhebi ( 89124 )
    Funny that Dungeons and Dragons was mentioned, because I met my first girlfriend playing AD&D. (We were both late-teens at the time.)

    Methinks it is the person, not the activity, that needs to be examined...
  • Sigh

    I have a mod point to burn, and it's *all* offtopic in here. And that's on topic in a 1-April kinda way. Nothing for me to do here.
  • $> man woman
    Segmentation fault (core dumped)
  • How many times, when playing Dungeons and Dragons by yourself... I dunno...I'm a big D&D fan, to be sure, and I like playing Dungeons and Dragons. myself? Are you serious? Is it even possible to play D&D by yourself, barring playing a D&D based computer game which doesn't really count? If so, how? I'd be interested to know. It'd give me a lot (okay, one) more option on what to do on a Saturday night. And one is still a lot--it'd be a one hundred percent increase over my options
  • by tokengeekgrrl ( 105602 ) on Thursday April 01, 2004 @05:58PM (#8742152)
    ...whining about how no women want you because you're a geek does.

    To all you whiners, if you want to get laid, I highly recommend getting over yourselves already.

    Just trying to help. Flame away.

    • I am very suspicious that your comment is knee-jerk based on thinking of people who annoy you, and not actually going to be very helpful.. how many geeks, who whine about women not wanting them, would you want if they _just_ stopped whining about that? I think that this is rarely, if ever, the primary factor that drives women away--more likely it's just one that you mentioned because it annoys you.. not because you thought it through and decided it's actually the primary factor that made you feel a lack of
  • by cfuse ( 657523 ) on Thursday April 01, 2004 @06:05PM (#8742195)

    I have no problem picking up women, in fact, I have to beat them off with a stick. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am gay?

  • A funny April Fools story! It took a while. Thanks, timothy.
  • The problem that most guys have is that they don't understand women and thus have no clue to be what they want (hint: asking them directly and following suit will not work). However, this article [] says in two pages exactly what is expected for men to be datable. Women wont ever willingly admit that the jerk attatude attracts them, but most of us sensitive guys have seen this occur first hand.

    And, when meeting someone new, the key will always be confidence. You can wear a clown suit, but if you are clam,
    • Actually, the article you referenced makes exactly the point I thought of when I read your post: it's not the fact that they're jerks that attracts women, it's that they're confident and oozing testosterone.
      You make a similar point in your second paragraph when you say that confidence is what makes a difference.

      Most so called "sensitive guys" (no, it's not a personal attack) are whiny wimpy doomats. If I was a woman I wouldn't have any interest in them either. Be assertive, project inner strength and try t
  • Dating Design Patterns, with a cover suspiciously similar to Design Patterns by the Gang of Four, is the first attempt to bring verified solutions to common problems in the world of dating.

    Look, just writing this thing in the first place PROVES that some folks will never quite get it.

    The trick isn't to get more geeky, y'know. :-)
  • by nastyphil ( 111738 ) on Thursday April 01, 2004 @06:46PM (#8742554) Homepage
    We lived together for 4 years. She steadily turned to the geekside. Now she's moving out and taking my Xbox and ST:NG collection with her!
  • I patent the process of playing follow-me follow-you all night at a bar, then, when everybody is loitering around after closing, giving that long and lingering last glance, then smuggly walk ing away while simultaneously telling yourself that you could have had your target any time that night, but you realized hours ago that they were probably beneath you (even though you kept following them for the rest of the night).

    (It's good to be the bouncer, the night gets all sorts of ironic when the lights come on.
  • I worked (briefly) for an online bookseller carrying this title []. Since the author published it independently, I couldn't rely on the usual sources to find cover art to thumbnail. As a conseqence, I had to contact the author directly in my attempts to obtain the cover art.

    She was very nice; but I can certainly see why she had difficulty finding a publisher when insisting on this particular title.

  • plug and play?

    (runs, ducks, hides)
  • But i'm not so desperate i'd want to date design patterns.

  • man, oh man, you are the hopeless idealist ...

A programming language is low level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.